Rant In Which CoryQ Loses It Over the New Stadium

written by: Cory Q

This is a rant. This is a sloppy screed poorly thought out and hastily executed. This is an unhinged opinion piece coming from a place very much like a ditch full of brambles where a man has woken up on a cold morning with ripped clothes and no real sense of where home might be. This is a pot of boiling bile that has been sitting around for a long time that stinks to high heaven and should not be read by any reasonable human being. This is the kind of thing that belongs strictly on the internet and will cause some people to come out from under their bridges and stop gnawing on the bones of goats long enough to read it and raise their blood pressures. This is not as fact based as it should be because damn it in this new age looking up facts is for wankers. If at any point in the following collection or words and anger-clouded concept you feel that you want to stop reading then do so. I might be shouting and babbling in an empty room by the very next sentence and that is ok.

This is a rant about a stadium.

For those who don’t know (anyone not living in Minnesota I would say) my home state is on the verge (as of when I started this rant, but now the measure has passed and I just don’t have the time to start a new rant about how disappointed I am in all of my elected officials that this fiasco is their major achievement for their last session) of approving the giving of vast sums of state money to the national Football League team in our town, The Vikings. Originally I was bothered by this. Then I was angered by this. Then I was pissed about it. Then it drove me crazy. Now I’m incised and offended and clearly crazy against it.

“But why” you may ask “are you being driven insane by this construction project?”. Because of all the bullshit around it. The whole process is a swamp of bullshit that would swallow up to four different castles built there before one finally stands on its own.

Let’s just ignore the dubious economics around ‘return on investment’ for building a stadium. That is smoke and mirrors from what I have read. There might be some returns for a project like this, but they aren’t stellar. Yes, there are construction jobs to be had for a while. That is true and I am willing to grant that small advantage. What I am not willing to agree to is that such a stadium will somehow become a hub of shopping and entertainment awesome. Does anyone hang out at Canterbury Park these days? Do you even remember Canterbury? Didn’t think so.

What really chaps my hide, what really cooks my bacon, what really salts my jerky, what really butt dials me in the middle of the night, what really farts on my plate of dinner about this is the idea that giving millions of municipal dollars to a guy (yes I know his name I just don’t care to type it due to the angers…]) who just a couple of months ago spent 16 MILLION DOLLARS ON AN APARTMENT in New York so that he can make more millions off the same populace doesn’t immediately seem like the basis of some email scam to everyone involed. Add to this the fact that there really aren’t any other major money making business that can whine to the city/state and have them fork over 350 million tax payer dollars because they are too cheap to build a space to do business.

Let me reframe that last sentence. Remember the old Met Stadium? Where the Twins played for years, and later the North Stars? Yeah, that. It was built with all private money. Not only can it be done, it has been done here. Don’t coddle pro teams! Their job is to make money and entertain us. That is about the same mission as theaters and yet Minnesota isn’t forking over that kind of money to build a theater.

The real stinker of all this is the smoke screen everyone involved in the political support of this cause blows. Really, I would be fine with this crock if just one person would step forward and flat out say “Yes, I understand that the State is cutting funding for kids programs and support programs for the disabled, but I care more about football than that and really want a new stadium built on my watch so I can take some sort of credit for it”. I mean c’mon, kids don’t vote so you can admit you don’t care that much about them. In this time of fragile economic times (see! I’m so wound up I think that start of the sentence is ok!), when the real purpose of the government is to watch out for the people it represents becomes even more crucial, it is of the highest reeking folly to burn so much capital (in all senses of that) dicking around with a stadium proposal.

What makes it worse for me? The Vikes suck. That is not just a random opinion. Check their win-loss record for the last couple of years. They are the pits. When was their last Super Bowl appearance? On the topic of The Big Game, how many have the Vikes won? What? They have never won The Big One? What? They have been the laugh stock of the League for years because they can never seal the deal? Sure the Broncos have lost more Super Bowls than the Vikes, but they have also won more of them too meaning they have earned redemption. This unshineable turd would be an easier sell if the team had even a .500 year.

Then there is the abusive relationship aspect of this. If the Vikes and the City of Minneapolis were people, I would tell them to seek counseling or break up. If two people you know said this to each other:

“You have my attention and presence... but only as long as you are 100% dedicated to me no matter how badly I screw up or how much I bilk you for or how often I threaten to leave you if you don’t give me exactly the things I want like a toddler screams in a toy store.” With the other party saying in response “Sure, that sounds good.”

Would you think that is healthy and OK? I sure hope not. That exchange is how I see Pro Sports treat the Twin Cities.

Look, politicians and supports of this measure, just pony up and admit, flat out with no duck-and-dodge to it, that you care more about the gladiatorial aspects of entertainment than other things. Just own up to the fact that you want this thing to happen so you can claim some of the glory of it and I will be fine with this circus.

I know! This is the internet age. The Vikes should do a Kickstarter campaign to get their funding! Not only is the name of the fundraising site a clever pun(t) but it would also mean those who want to chip in for it can while leaving those who think this all reeks like a fetid pool of greed and stupidity can be left alone.

There. Now I feel better and my wife doesn’t have to listen to this particular rant again. Now go out and play, but stay off my lawn.

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